Click here to monitor SSC
  • Av rating:
  • Total votes: 24
  • Total comments: 10
Phil Factor

PowerPoint Presentation Burnout

16 April 2013

Phil's dread of Powerpoint sales presentations is already known to his readers, but we've never before heard the story of how an intern in his team gave them the necessary insights to find a cure for their unfortunate tendency to doze off, and convince them that they were charmless geeks.

I suffer from PowerPoint burnout. It is an occupational hazard in IT. The average human can only take so many PowerPoint Sales presentations in one lifetime. Slowly, over the years, a narcosis builds up as a reaction. Once the lights dim and the speaker starts his merciless and remorseless presentation, like an unstoppable train, then the reaction kicks in. One starts to twitch and fidget, the body locked into an involuntary autonomic reaction. Usually by the third set of bullet points, the brain performs a system shutdown. PowerPoint presentations are the human equivalent of putting the blanket over parrot’s cage: Once the brain gets to know about PowerPoint presentations, the consequences are inevitable. Evolution has programmed the mammalian brain, particularly in carnivores and hunter-gatherers, to go into 'sleep mode' when no meaningful stimulus is being received. The scientific term is ‘crepuscular’. When rabbits emerge, the ferret becomes fully alert. Otherwise, a ferret will sleep for up to eighteen hours a day.

My burnout happened when my role, as one of a team of experts standardizing the software of a major enterprise, meant possibly having to watch one of the things every day. Every software vendor representative came prepared: grey suit, polished black shoes, sincere smile, silk club tie and, goddam it, a slick PowerPoint presentation. Every vendor presentation had the same general format. Every presenter used the slides to sequence the presentation rather than to illustrate what he was saying. Presenters invariable read out what was on the slide. The presentations were uncannily similar, as if some godless IT-Salesman freemasonry had standardized the format.

"First, I would like to tell you about our company" [queue a slide listing how many years it has been in existence, who founded it and its miraculous upward growth curve].

The train was leaving the station. I threw myself onto the tracks in front of it.

"No, please don't. If we decide your software is a likely candidate, we have to do a complete company search, anyway, and find out all your public information, before we can list you as a supplier to us. We can't purchase from you otherwise."

[Embarrassed pause]

"Our company was founded in 2001 by Joe Kname, who is now our CTO…"

My fingers began an uncontrollable, jittery dance across the desk.

"I expect his mother is proud and boasts to the neighbors, but to save time I ought to explain that we're only interested in the software, and the sort of support you offer over the five-year life of that software. We need to assess the quality of your support and training, to gain assurance that your company has integrity in all commercial dealings, is mature enough to stick to agreements, and will work responsibly with us if a problem crops up. We are not interested in whether your CTO has good hair."

The Salesman glanced nervously around the room but unable to deviate from the prescribed PowerPoint script, pressed on regardless, intoning mechanically from the slides.

"…our company's annual turnover has increased fourfold every year since then and we are selling in The United States, France, Germany, Great Britain, Italy..."

My body began urging immediate sleep. No! Must…stay…awake…waggle foot…maybe ….breathe in deeply…think about unpaid tax bill to provoke a shot of adrenaline…

"Our software is used by many famous names in the FTSE top 100, names that include Lloyds, Ford, Shell…"

…No good…sinking fast… aargh…shouldn't have shut eyes…[notebook drops from lifeless hands]…Crash…what's that!……..zzzz…..

My crepuscular constitution had kicked in. The team had tried several strategies to cope, but somehow an entirely satisfactory solution eluded us.

Once afternoon, as I sat limply at my desk recovering from one of these presentations and wondering for how much longer I could possibly survive them, I was introduced to our team's new intern, Nigel.

I liked Nigel. He had charm and...err…presence. Although he was still at university, he seemed ageless, intelligent and mature. In a large corporate, a team member like this was valuable firepower. I was soon taking him to meetings and finding that merely by dint of having him sitting there, agreeing with what I said and looking sincere; we got our way more often in discussions.

I say he "seemed" intelligent and he certainly wasn't stupid, but it was his charm and gravitas that were his major talents. We required little more from him, luckily. Within the management jungle of the average corporate, intelligence is a double-edged sword, whereas gravitas and social skills never fail to strike their intended victim.

I started to invite him to the vendor presentations, since it looked better if we fielded a bigger team, and I rather suspected that his body had yet to develop the same PowerPoint defense mechanisms as mine. I was right; he loved it, and took a strong interest. When told all about the Vendor's meteoric rise into financial health, he'd whistle appreciatively. When he heard the list of the well-known companies using their software, he would shake his head in wonderment. Within five minutes, the presenter would address all his comments directly to Nigel.

After a while, we started to draw lots as to who should accompany Nigel to the presentations. To draw the lot that sentenced you to a PowerShell presentation was a moment to dread, since Nigel's enthusiasm and his tendency to ask interested questions propelled the presenter into prolonging the torture. Nevertheless, it was a small price to pay for allowing the rest of the team to escape.

Nigel's PowerPoint enthusiasm had another odd and expected result. Our relationship with Central IT improved. The vendor representatives were quick to relay the new spirit of interest and appreciation. Our executives, when being wined and dined in expensive exclusive restaurants in the Maine coast, were told of the new spirit of cooperation, as the sales executives of the potential suppliers hinted of possible lucrative consultancy in the future for the key "flag carriers" in our company. The word percolated through the management layers that we had an incisive grasp of the technology. Computer Salespeople seem to move from company to company by some stochastic process, trailing information about their previous employers’ customers with them. After a while, we noticed to our surprise that Nigel was getting invitations to lavish seminars and technical presentations in the City from companies we’d never come across. Evidently, the word had spread that Nigel was an important ‘opinion-leader’ in the company, and one who should be ‘networked’. We let him go to a few of these, more to enjoy the lavish entertainment that ensued, but with strict orders to commit us to nothing.

He would return, happy and well nourished; grateful for the experience.

Sadly, Nigel's internship ended soon after and with it our glorious holiday from PowerPoint presentations. We’d all got the point: we were a charmless bunch of geeks who had little interest in what we had regarded, in our nerdy way, as a pointless activity that was almost a superstitious ritual. By gaining good manners, we might actually make our lives a bit easier. By the time that Nigel left, senior managers from Central IT were smiling at us and unexpectedly approving our requests to attend IT conferences.

Fortunately, the answer hit us one Friday lunchtime in the local pub where we were sipping our Mauldon’s Blackadder. We were pondering our difficulties and I was explaining how ferrets would be useless at attending PowerPoint presentations due to their essentially crepuscular nature. It boils down to psychology.

Dave, the Unix specialist in the team suddenly asked “But when the rabbits come out of their lairs in the twilight, the ferret becomes fully awake!”

We looked at each other, deep in thought. Of course. As soon as the crepuscular brain thought of the prospects of a tasty meal in the offing, it would become fully alert.

Could this work? Oh yes. Underneath the thin veneer of civilization we are all opportunistic hunter-gatherers. All the attendees of a Vendor PowerPoint presentation booked themselves a great meal in the same evening after each presentation. After the fifth presentation, we’d all survived the presentation, and even managed to ask some intelligent questions. Each time we did it, we could feel ourselves becoming more alert. It was Alistair, the technical architect, who thought of the refinement to the process of inviting the salespeople along, and getting them to buy the meal for us. Naively, we hadn’t even realized that they usually had a budget for such things.

It then occurred to us that we’d stumbled on a fundamental truth of commercial life. The quickest and easiest way to get the attention of the people you wished to engage in commercial dialog, was to buy them dinner afterwards. Is this unethical? When I was in training for a management role, it was beaten into me that, if you can eat it in one setting without being gross or disgusting, then it isn’t a bribe. It is a simple rule that underlies the proper conduct of international business.

As for the team, we settled down to a happy life, greeting each salesman as a friend, making appreciative notices throughout their vendor’s PowerPoint presentation, and being regarded throughout IT management as a team worthy of their heady responsibilities. Nigel’s internship had left us a happier, more socially-aware group of boffins, and we occasionally toasted his memory in Vouvray Demi-sec at one of our gatherings.

 

This is another of Phil’s ‘Confessions of an IT Manager’, a series of articles which have been compiled into a book that has been enjoyed for several years by IT staff.

‘Confessions of an IT Manager is a book form of a series of articles first written for Simple-Talk by a seasoned IT manager who tries to explore the real world of work in IT rather than the world as we'd like to think it is. By writing under a pseudonym he is able to get uncomfortably close to real life, real events and believable people, describing experiences and predicaments that were occasionally painful, sometimes profitable but always funny.’ (Google Books review)
A great read, with a lot of substance, the book will be enjoyed a lot more by those who have some experience in the field. There are moments where laughter is inevitable so it's not a good choice of reading in the office while you pretend to be deeply concerned by some technical issue. ‘ (Google Books review)

You can download it from here

Phil Factor

Author profile:

Phil Factor (real name withheld to protect the guilty), aka Database Mole, has 30 years of experience with database-intensive applications. Despite having once been shouted at by a furious Bill Gates at an exhibition in the early 1980s, he has remained resolutely anonymous throughout his career. See also :

Google + To translate this article...

Search for other articles by Phil Factor

Rate this article:   Avg rating: from a total of 24 votes.


Poor

OK

Good

Great

Must read
Have Your Say
Do you have an opinion on this article? Then add your comment below:
You must be logged in to post to this forum

Click here to log in.


Subject: Excellent
Posted by: melvin (view profile)
Posted on: Thursday, May 09, 2013 at 2:12 AM
Message: Nice read there Phil, a very humerous piece of writing.
"PowerPoint presentations are the human equivalent of putting the blanket over parrot’s cage"
How true this is...

Subject: A novel "solution"
Posted by: Dave Convery (view profile)
Posted on: Thursday, May 09, 2013 at 3:02 AM
Message: I had a lecturer at university who would put sound effects at random points throughout his PowerPoint presentations - screams, explosions, etc. They would be triggered with slide transitions.

Recognising the problem without really addressing it...

Subject: Productivity??
Posted by: BuggyFunBunny (view profile)
Posted on: Thursday, May 09, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Message: Perhaps Mr. Factor has a better memory, or store of links; but I have definite memories of reading of studies which concluded that Office Productivity programs (esp. GUI-ed ones) led to lower office productivity. This was due to the ease by which users could be distracted by the pixel dust of formatting, thus diverting their attention from the content. Dr. McLuhan turned out to be right.

I've worked at companies which "sold" vaporware on the strength of some Business Analysts' view expressed in PPT decks. Sometimes they actually made the sale, and the rest of us had to figure out some way to get even close (in code and data) to the reverie. There oughta be a law!!

Subject: ettysburg address with PowerPoint
Posted by: Celko (view profile)
Posted on: Friday, May 10, 2013 at 8:13 PM
Message: I will assume that the Gettysburg address is know in the UK:

http://www.norvig.com/Gettysburg/index.htm


Subject: Tricks with slides
Posted by: Celko (view profile)
Posted on: Friday, May 10, 2013 at 8:19 PM
Message: My favorite trick was to do a presentation in Cyrillic. When the students object that they do not read Russian, I tell them that it is Bulgarian :)

Subject: Re: productivity
Posted by: Phil Factor (view profile)
Posted on: Saturday, May 11, 2013 at 5:05 AM
Message: There was a classic study where subjects were wired up to EEG machines to record the pattern of brain activity. After five minutes of PowerPoint presentation, the brain activity settled into the rhythms of REM sleep, even though the subjects seemed to be staring intelligently at the screen and presenter. this response on the part of the subjects, that I argue is adaptive to the low level of stimulation, was most marked when the presenter read the text that was on the slide.
this hints at a possible medical use as a mild anaesthetic for dentistry or minor surgery.

Subject: Ultimate Powerpoint Story
Posted by: AndyDent (view profile)
Posted on: Sunday, May 12, 2013 at 11:39 PM
Message: Read Charles Stross's "The Jennifer Morgue" for the ultimate Death by Powerpoint scene.

(Actually, every IT Geek should read the series, starting with The Atrocity Archives).

Subject: Nice
Posted by: hoinar (view profile)
Posted on: Monday, May 13, 2013 at 2:24 AM
Message: I really loved your book. I'll hopefully start to implement some of your advices in my team ;).

Great stuff!

Subject: Nice, but...
Posted by: Anonymous (not signed in)
Posted on: Monday, May 13, 2013 at 11:55 PM
Message: Please refrain from taking the Lord's name in vain. Otherwise a fine article.

Subject: Re: Nice, but...
Posted by: Phil Factor (view profile)
Posted on: Wednesday, May 15, 2013 at 2:37 AM
Message: A 'godless freemasonry' is an expression meaning a type of secretive trade society whose primary objective is most definitely not the worship of God (or any god), but self-interest.

 

Top Rated

We don't need Source Control: we're Database Developers
 As part of our long-running series of articles where we ask working database developers how database... Read more...

The Proposals Conundrum
 When you work for a small software development (or any services) company, one of the major challenges... Read more...

David Heinemeier Hansson: Geek of the Week
 Ruby on Rails, the open-source web application framework, grew out of David Heinemeier Hansson's work... Read more...

Alex Payne: Big in the IT Business
 Alex Payne worked on developing Twitter for three years. When he started, it was a small side-project:... Read more...

Seth Godin: Big in the IT Business
 Seth Godin has transformed our understanding of marketing in IT. He invented the concept of 'permission... Read more...

Most Viewed

The Future of Reflector
 Simple Talk asked freelance writer Bob Cramblitt to sit down with the two people behind the agreement... Read more...

Linus Torvalds, Geek of the Week
 Linus Torvalds is remarkable, not only for being the technical genius who wrote Linux, but for then... Read more...

Bad CaRMa
 From hope and euphoria, to desperation, firings and the ultimate demise of a company. Tim Gorman charts... Read more...

Driving up software quality - the role of the tester
 Have you ever wondered what a software tester does? Helen Joyce, test engineer at Red Gate software... Read more...

Don Knuth and the Art of Computer Programming: The Interview
 Fifty years after starting the 'Art of Computer Programming', (TAOCP), Don Knuth is still working hard ... Read more...

Why Join

Over 400,000 Microsoft professionals subscribe to the Simple-Talk technical journal. Join today, it's fast, simple, free and secure.