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Rudolph The Red-Nosed Tester and Other Festive Arrangements

Published 21 December 2012 11:55 am

I don’t know what it’s like in your offices right now, but at the Simple-talk HQ, it’s that time of year when things start to wind down for a week or so. There is often a final flurry of blogging activity before all goes quiet until the New Year.

O come, all on Facebook

‘Like’ the blog I’ve written!

O come ye, O come ye and re-tweet the link;

Come and behold it Work of five strained minutes

 

[Chorus by twitterati] O come, let us go read it,

Link to it and tweet it,

For the authors need it,

Though we’ll soon be bored!

The developers frantically fix the last few urgent bugs, before disappearing for a well-earned rest.

Rudolph the red-nosed tester

Had a rather vicious streak

Liked keying into JIRA

Fifty of my bugs a week!

 

All the other devs are laughing

Laughing silently at me

Saying that my current bug count

Will go down in history!

The building gradually empties, becoming restful, silent, and even somewhat eerie, in the cold and failing winter light. Left behind is the lonely DBA, tapping away at his keyboard, stoically keeping the wheels turning, as others make merry.

In the deep mid-winter frosty devs made moan

All the work is winding down, Leaving me alone

 

No more meetings, no sir no, Just a week to go

Monitoring the systems, those running slow

 

Tables lacking indexes, script them in again;

Long-running process, deadlocks give me pain

 

Cursors running slowly, row by painful row,

Grinding through the tables, blocking as they go

 

In the deep mid winter frosty servers made moan

All the work is winding down, Leaving me alone

We challenge you to submit your own festive carols (keep them clean!); the best one will receive an iPod Nano and two runners-up will receive $25 Amazon gift vouchers.

Thank you to everyone who read, wrote for, and commented on Simple-Talk in 2012. We really do appreciate your support. We wish you a fun festive season, and invite you to boot up SSMS one last time, open the HappyNewYear2013.sql attachment (a gift from Simple-Talk reader, Tomaz Kastrun), set output to text and hit execute a few times… Happy New Year!

Cheers!

The Simple-Talk Team

4 Responses to “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Tester and Other Festive Arrangements”

  1. mwhite39 says:

    OK, here goes, sing along if you know this one….

    On the first day of Christmas, SQL Server gave to me
    A 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the second day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the third day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the fourth day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the fifth day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the sixth day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    6 profiler traces
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the seventh day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    7 crash dumps
    6 profiler traces
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the eighth day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    8 TempDB Files to resolve PFS contention
    7 crash dumps
    6 profiler traces
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the ninth day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    9 failed backups
    8 TempDB Files to resolve PFS contention
    7 crash dumps
    6 profiler traces
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the tenth day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    10 slow queries
    9 failed backups
    8 TempDB Files to resolve PFS contention
    7 crash dumps
    6 profiler traces
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the eleventh day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    11 out of memory errors
    10 slow queries
    9 failed backups
    8 TempDB Files to resolve PFS contention
    7 crash dumps
    6 profiler traces
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

    On the twelfth day of Christmas SQL Server gave to me
    12 PAGEIOLATCH waits
    11 out of memory errors
    10 slow queries
    9 failed backups
    8 TempDB Files to resolve PFS contention
    7 crash dumps
    6 profiler traces
    5 long running jobs
    4 SSIS packages
    3 deadlock graphs
    2 cursor queries
    and a 32,767 recursion depth CTE

  2. Rockstar says:

    [Sung to the tune of 'Rocking Around The Christmas Tree: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPZCNCJt-zw

    Rocking around the b-tree
    at the Query Plan hop
    Indexes hung where you can see
    Every query tried to stop

    Rocking around the b-tree
    Let the Christmas spirit ring
    Later we’ll have some column store
    and we’ll do some optimizing

    You will get a sentimental feeling
    when you hear
    voices singing “Let’s use cursors; Row by row processing for everyone!”

    Rocking around the b-tree
    Have a happy holiday
    Everyone’s coding merrily
    In a new agile way

    Rocking around the b-tree
    Let the Christmas spirit ring
    Later we’ll have compression
    and we’ll do some optimizing

    You will get a sentimental feeling
    when you hear
    voices singing “Let’s use XML; Insert pages with large objects!”

    Rocking around the b-tree
    Have a happy holiday
    Everyone’s querying merrily
    In the dynamic SQL way

  3. tomaz_tsql says:

    Clustered Index
    (based upon song: White Christmas)

    I am dreaming of a clustered index
    Just like the one I build that day
    Where the rows are narrow
    and data types small
    To see updated statistics every day.

    I am dreaming of a clustered index
    With every query that I write
    May the seeks be quicker
    And may Grant Fritchey be happy too.

    I’m dreaming of a clustered index
    With every execution plan I see
    May the joins be hash-ed
    And may all your tasks be complet-ed.

  4. nick harrison says:

    Here you go. To the tune of Jingle Bells.

    Enjoy

    Dashing through the code
    On a snowy Christmas eve,
    Through the binary mess
    Refactoring all the way
    The bells are ringing out
    Alarms are blowing loud
    My code is smelling really foul
    But change is not allowed

    911 911 Testers on the run
    Stayed up late to make the date
    And now the time has come
    911 911 we’re running out of time
    if we don’t deploy today,
    the users will not come

    Where did my data go
    The database has fled
    There were a million rows
    But now there’s blanks instead

    This problems very bad.
    Management is getting sad.
    and if we don’t get data back,
    we all may get the sack.

    911 911 where are the DBAs
    Off with friends and family
    Watching children play
    911 911 call in the DBAs
    We need them now. We need them fast
    For they can save the day!

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