The Devils Manual for IT Managers

Part 1: How to prevent Initiatives

The IT Manager must do all he can to prevent initiatives happening within his department, whilst, at the same time, maintaining a general atmosphere of innovation. Your staff may not understand the subtleties of this, and will badger you with good ideas. The problem with ideas and initiatives is that they cause alarm and disturbance amongst other managers and force you to make a decision one way or the other. If you decide to block an initiative you are then at risk of being exposed in a negative way as a 'Blocker of Initiatives'. This must be avoided at all costs. Initiative avoidance techniques are therefore necessary before they reach the decision stage.

The Trick is to kill the initiative whilst giving the impression that one is actively encouraging and fostering initiatives from ones staff. Most of the following techniques owe their popularity to the way that they make it seem that it is the apathy of one's staff that caused the initiative to fail, rather than ones' own inadequacy as a manager.

One of the following methods will effectively restore the Status Quo.

The 'Thicko' method

Adopt the bluff avuncular approach. When the initiator comes up with a technical proposal, pretend not to understand it, and get him to explain it repeatedly, and unsuccessfully. This is an even more amusing technique if you can form a double-act with a confederate. The initiator will eventually lose patience and storm off. Much job satisfaction can be gained by the parting sally "Perhaps you will find it easier to explain it once you've really understood the technicalities yourself'.

The 'Tantrum' Method

Pretend to be highly stressed up with far more immediate issues. When the initiator offers a proposal, feign incredulity and then throw a tantrum. This is crude, perhaps, but effective, if you have developed a high-testosterone management style, especially if you feign indignation that they should have their head in the clouds when they should be fighting fires.

The 'Death by Alternatives' Approach

In this method, you ask the initiator for the list of all the alternatives that he has considered and rejected. If he already has prepared several, ask for a more detailed analysis and demand a discussion paper on the alternative technical platforms, with lots of diagrams. You can be sure that fatigue and apathy will set in

The 'Daddy knows better' approach

Receive the initiative as if greeting an old friend and say something like "Yes, we've thought of that at various times, but it simply wasn't practical/ economic/ policy/ effective'. If you have the paperwork, then produce it and demand that the initiator ploughs through the white papers, background correspondence and discussion documents. Otherwise, launch into a rambling personal reminiscence, involving the squeezing of vast databases onto floppy disks and 8 megs of RAM, using punched cards

The 'Is This Wise' method

When the initiator comes up with the idea, flinch as though involuntarily, and glance nervously about. Introduce vague concerns, without being too specific. It helps if you can mention similar initiatives that have failed. If cornered, mention various technical projects sponsored by the government, as everyone can believe that these fail. If the initiator persists, get him to do a highly-involved risk analysis, and to prepare a detailed paper on the security issues, data protection act, or the EEC regulations.

'More-Details-Please' method

This is an unsubtle method, but is well-tried within the industry. Pretend to be keen and interested. (Yes, Great!, we could extend it to take in X and Y, or even Z). but keep asking for more and more details, plans and justifications. Ask for 'a matrix of users against functionality', and a deailed analysis of maintenance issues'. The initiator will sooner or later abandon his proposal when the whole initiative eventually collapses under its own weight.

'Management babble' method

Use management jargon to confuse the initiator. Make sure that he does not know more about management than you: otherwise embarrassment could ensue.

'No-Problem-Exists' method.

Deny the very existence of the problem. Look quizzical and say that you're not sure about the 'Business Drivers'.

The 'Let's make it happen' Method

This technique takes its effectiveness from the apparent enthusiasm of the decision-avoider. You welcome the initiator, and involve your whole team, burbling phrases such as 'let's s make it happen, guys'. You should be careful to diffuse responsibility so much that no one knows who is supposed to do what. The scheme disappears without trace.

The 'Displacement Activity' technique

This technique is well known in IT Systems. If a decision threatens, you simply introduce a complete diversion such as 'Tidy Friday', 'Embracing Diversity', or 'Green Wastepaper Baskets'. Staff training in the correct way of picking up heavy equipment, or seminars in the legal repercussions of the latest Health and Safety legislation are most effective I have seen IT departments brought to a standstill by HR initiatives. This is very useful when you wish the department to be brought to a temporary standstill

The 'Better Mousetrap' technique

This technique involves embracing the idea wholeheartedly, and with apparent gusto. Pretend that the idea is the best thing since sliced bread or, at least, XML. Talk of 'embedding it into our strategy' whilst simultaneously promising that all due credit will go to the initiator. The initiator will be completely thrown off-balance by the novelty of the response and withdraw in confusion. Beware though, this will be counter productive if you have misjudged the initiator. If he misguidedly takes encouragement, then revert to one of the other strategies

The 'Depressed Manager' approach.

Use this technique only if cornered. You start by saying that the initiator's idea addresses only one of the many key issues that you have to deal with, and that your life at work is intolerable due to the pressures. References to personal problems are a most effective reinforcement at this point. Medical problems are especially useful, especially if they are disgusting. The initiator will be completely distracted, or will recoil at the thought of having to listen, and will beat a retreat.

'There's no budget' method

Explain blankly that there are no funds around to implement the proposal. Blame this on the obtuseness of the Finance Department, or the short-sightedness of the Board. Alternatively, just say 'We haven't the manpower/resources/head count'

'Call in the Management consultants' method

Management consultants are consummate masters of producing reports that make decision-avoidance almost necessary for organizational survival. When things get really bad, and you are likely to be forced into making a decision, call in the management consultants. Expensive but foolproof