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Authors  >  Phil Factor

Phil Factor Phil Factor
Phil Factor (real name withheld to protect the guilty), aka Database Mole, has 25 years of experience with database-intensive applications. Despite having once been shouted at by a furious Bill Gates at an exhibition in the early 1980s, he has remained resolutely anonymous throughout his career. See also :
To Boldly Ask IT for Development Work
by Phil Factor | 22 June 2009 |  12 comments |
Phil has always been mystified by the way that, in Science-Fiction films, the crew of space-ships are able to reprogram their ships' computers in order to respond to emergencies, needing no more than a brief klip...klop...klip on the keyboard to effect a huge... Read more...
The Book 'Confessions of an IT Manager'
by Phil Factor | 27 May 2009 |
For three and a half years, the 'Confessions of an IT Manager', by Phil Factor, have been a distinctive part of Simple-Talk's output. Now compiled into a 300 page book, they form a unique commentary of the comic, and someties bizarre, nature of a career in IT. Read more...
CLR Assembly RegEx Functions for SQL Server by Example
by Phil Factor | 15 April 2009 |  3 comments |
Phil Factor presents a simple CLR Assembly to allow SQL Server users to access all the powerful RegEx library methods in .NET. In the spirit of 'get something up and running', he takes a hands-on approach and demonstrates that you needn't be a C# hotshot or Visual... Read more...
Phrenetic Phil and the SQL Shootout
by Phil Factor | 03 February 2009 |  11 comments |
Phil Factor turns to burlesque in order to reinforce his point that an ability to answer SQL Technical questions isn't really a measure of anyone's fitness for a real job of work. He is struck by the expression 'SQL Shootout', and the rest is left to his... Read more...
The TSQL of Text Files
by Phil Factor | 19 January 2009 |  8 comments |
Phil returns to the old subject of 'Getting text-based data in and out of SQL Server'. He shows various easy ways of getting a file listings of directories from the file system, shows how one can access the Shell automation Objects, and demonstrates several ways of... Read more...
The Data Center that Exploded
by Phil Factor | 28 October 2008 |  14 comments |
A while back, in a Simple-Talk editorial meeting, someone bet Phil that he couldn't come up with a Halloween story. To our surprise he said he could, as long as he didn't have to keep to the strict literal truth. In the end, he came up with a story about a story,... Read more...
Bunnikins!
by Phil Factor | 24 August 2008 |  5 comments |
When an IT manager is selected as a victim of office politics of a large corporate, it is time for him to engage in intelligence-gathering. Phil Factor exposes a ruthless streak when called to account over an Engineering Workflow system. Read more...
The Wrong Fabia
by Phil Factor | 04 July 2008 |  15 comments |
There is often more than a twinge of embarrassment when an Email goes astray, and is received by the wrong person. Phil remembers an occasion when it nearly ended a career, but somehow, ironically, changed it for the better. Read more...
The Walrus and the Manager
by Phil Factor | 05 June 2008 |  6 comments |
Why do Phil's eyes water whenever he hears the poem 'The Walrus and the Carpenter'? Is it the voice of his conscience or memories of struggles selling software services to large companies? Why does he identify so strongly with the eldest oyster? Read more...
The Time Bomb
by Phil Factor | 29 April 2008 |  5 comments |
Phil cheerfully admits to his fair share of accidental IT disasters. His experiences some time ago with the Time Bomb, where his software crashed and threatened civil unreast in a far-away country were, however, deliberate. Read more...
The New Man
by Phil Factor | 25 March 2008 |  16 comments |
Working in IT, one meets all sorts of people, but rarely quite so odd, or creepy, as a 'New Man'. Phil Factor relates how a brush with such a character got him the sack on the second day in a new job. Read more...
Creation by Committee
by Phil Factor | 25 January 2008 |  10 comments |
Phil Factor got to wondering how on earth the wonderful frescos of the Sistine Chapel ever got painted, if the type of corporate 'best-practice' and management now seen in IT development projects were in place then. Phil Factor imagines the pressures on Michelangelo... Read more...
Tomorrow will be our Dancing Day
by Phil Factor | 13 December 2007 |  13 comments |
Someone recently told Phil that it was impossible to tell a good ghost story about IT Development. Great mistake. Noone of a nervous disposition should read this.... Read more...
The Computer that Swore
by Phil Factor | 13 November 2007 |  24 comments |
Database Developers occasionally get crazy ideas into their heads. Phil Factor should know; He confesses that he's had a few completely loopy notions that he pursued to destruction before realising his error. Read more...
The Joy of NAD
by Phil Factor | 30 October 2007 |  11 comments |
Phil Factor convenes a short meeting to discuss the data architecture for storing a client's contact details...how painful could it be? Phil Factor discovers that even the simplest database can be a major cause of grief and complexity Read more...
Captain Codd and the Simple Proposition
by Phil Factor | 26 September 2007 |  9 comments |
A Pantomime for Database Professionals. Read more...
Smoke and Mirrors
by Phil Factor | 13 July 2007 |  13 comments |
It seems hard to imagine that a presentation on a new IT application to the directors can go too well. Phil doesn't need to imagine- it happened to him. He winces at the memory. Read more...
The Challenge
by Phil Factor | 19 June 2007 |  10 comments |
In which Phil is challenged to organize a concerted beer drinking session in an establishment dedicated to beer manufacture. Read more...
Hens that Crow
by Phil Factor | 25 May 2007 |  12 comments |
Short on results, but long on superficially plausible technical excuses, Phil Factor describes his dealings with the hen that crowed… Read more...
The Simple-Talk SQL Prettifier
by Phil Factor | 22 May 2007 |  26 comments |
Tired of struggling through dull, monchrome SQL, C# and VB code in website blogs and forums? Then check out the all-new Simple-Talk code prettifier! Read more...
Fired With Enthusiasm
by Phil Factor | 30 April 2007 |  20 comments |
After years working his fingers to the bone on his own IT business, Phil was enjoying the relative tranquillity of work at a City of London bank. However, he was shocked by the number of "light arms" in the IT department, who didn't do a stroke of useful work all... Read more...
Reading and Writing Files in SQL Server using T-SQL
by Phil Factor | 10 April 2007 |  29 comments |
SQL Server provides several "standard" techniques by which to read and write to files but, just occasionally, they aren't quite up to the task at hand – especially when dealing with large strings or relatively unstructured data. Phil Factor provides some T-SQL... Read more...
Writing to Word from SQL Server
by Phil Factor | 06 March 2007 |  19 comments |
Never a man to walk away from a challenge, Phil Factor set himself the task of automating the production of Word reports from SQL Server, armed only with OLE automation and a couple of stored procedures. Read more...
The March of Technology
by Phil Factor | 28 February 2007 |  20 comments |
In which Phil, under the influence of a surfeit of lobster, some fine wine and a large book, conjures up an imaginary Bill Gates, lets him know why people aren't flocking to SQL 2005, and offers him a turning off of the path to ever more complex and bloated database... Read more...
The Data Dialog
by Phil Factor | 30 January 2007 |  12 comments |
Most companies have long since jettisoned the role of the grizzled old data architect, whose job it was to ensure a common understanding of the meaning of all data entities in the enterprise, and the actions carried out on it. Many are just now coming to realize... Read more...
The Ultimate Excuse Database
by Phil Factor | 15 January 2007 |  3 comments |
Is your IT project in trouble? Do you need to create a smokescreen so that no-one can pin the blame on you? No problem! Marvel at Phil Factor's versatile use of T-SQL functions in creating the "ultimate excuse database" and then start generating your excuses... Read more...
Phil Factor on the Law
by Phil Factor | 21 December 2006 |  7 comments |
Taking the adversarial system to task with vigour and courage, Phil Factor gives us his view on how to handle the trials of litigation if all cannot be solved by a hearty pub lunch. Read more...
Free Phil Factor eBook: Confessions of an IT Manager
by Phil Factor | 13 December 2006 |  8 comments |
Download a 108-page eBook in which Phil tells all on a career spent in the rough-and-tumble of the IT industry. It's FREE for registered users! Read more...
Automating Common SQL Server Tasks using DMO
by Phil Factor | 27 November 2006 |  20 comments |
Phil Factor's DMO automation procedures provide a valuable additon to any DBAs toolkit. Read more...
On Training Your IT Manager
by Phil Factor | 23 November 2006 |  11 comments |
A keen new manager, with ambitions to make his mark, can cause all sorts of unpleasantness in the workplace. Phil Factor explains how to train your new manager to the required standards... Read more...
More Database Administration and Development Automation using DMO
by Phil Factor | 04 October 2006 |  16 comments |
Phil Factor provides a handy DMO automation toolkit to take care of some core SQL Server administrative tasks. Read more...
The Yancey Men
by Phil Factor | 03 October 2006 |  7 comments |
Ever wondered what the perfect IT director might be like? Phil Factor experimented... Read more...
The Essex Men
by Phil Factor | 14 September 2006 |  9 comments |
A band of muscly Essex men take on the geeky IT department in a basketball match - if you think the victor of this challenge sounds like a foregone conclusion, read on... Read more...
Was Offshoring Responsible for Hamlet?
by Phil Factor | 05 September 2006 |  5 comments |
Phil Factor imagines how Hamlet ended up as the play we know and..err..love, with a little help from cost-cutting and offshoring. Read more...
If IT had been responsible for the Creation
by Phil Factor | 09 August 2006 |  15 comments |
In which Phil Factor takes the liberty of retelling the Creation story to make it 'relevant' to the modern IT professional. Read more...
The Whipping Boy
by Phil Factor | 21 July 2006 |  10 comments |
Talented and highly-valued IT professional or convenient corporate whipping boy? Phil Factor walks the line... Read more...
The Ghost in the Machine
by Phil Factor | 27 June 2006 |  4 comments |
I have always felt rather second-rate as an IT pundit as I have yet to introduce my own TLA (Three-letter Acronym ) into the IT industry. I would therefore like to suggest a new branch of IT: solving IT problems by Antiquarian Research in Technology. Or ART, to us... Read more...
Talking Technical
by Phil Factor | 26 May 2006 |  1 comment |
Developers, programmers and designers tend to be deeply geeky types, immersed in the minutiae of the technology. In stark contrast, many IT managers appear to have difficulty working the remote controls on their television. This cultural gap between the foot soldier... Read more...
Betting on Promotion
by Phil Factor | 09 May 2006 |  1 comment |
The process of appointing managers in large IT department is shrouded in mystery. The bewilderingly random and illogical nature of the process makes it a gambler's delight, and it's often difficult for workers to resist the odd wager on the outcome. Read more...
The Writing on the Wall
by Phil Factor | 27 April 2006 |  5 comments |
Phil Factor offers an intriguing theory on why so many, hugely complex, government IT projects fail. Is it because there is a world of difference between the business processes that really take place in a company and the management's understanding of those processes? Read more...
IT Agencies and the Devil
by Phil Factor | 15 March 2006 |  3 comments |
Whenever I worry about how I shall earn a crust when my mental powers start failing, I always console myself with the thought that I can go and start an IT employment agency. Many before me have done so. It is remarkably easy, as the profession of "Employment Agent"... Read more...
Two stops short of Dagenham
by Phil Factor | 09 February 2006 |  4 comments |
Phil Factor mourns the demise of the Eccentric in the IT World - "One of the best programmers I ever met was referred to, in Essex jargon, as being 'two stops short of Dagenham' (Barking)*. Read more...
Survival tips for powerpoint
by Phil Factor | 17 January 2006 |  1 comment |
The Database Mole Presents Survival tips for PowerPoint boredom Read more...
Cursors and embedded SQL
by Phil Factor | 19 December 2005 |  8 comments |
The database mole turns his attention to take a look at cursors and embedded SQL Read more...
Secrets of successful IT projects
by Phil Factor | 17 November 2005 |  3 comments |
The database mole shares his secrets of successful IT projects, and pitfalls to avoid. Read more...
The database mole
by Phil Factor | 18 October 2005 |  7 comments |
Bogus resumes and unblushing lies: navigating the database hiring waters and selecting a development team. Read more...
Phil Factor We Don't Need Another Hero
 Stan, the SQL Hero, had a meteoric career at the large Financial Services Company where I worked. He burned red-hot...  Read more...


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